This week definitely started with a Monday. One of those where I woke up and the flow didn’t go anywhere close to what I had pictured. My suitcase was packed and the early airport demand had forced me to do all the prep work the night before. I was so proud of myself. I was going to wake up and just get ready to go. There was no last minute laundry or project. I think it was a first. Then….came the first sick child down the stairs. I did the compassionate momma thing and gently eluded to “suck it up.” Then…here came the second puny child. “No. No. No Lord. Not today. Not two of them.” I was sure that God had forgotten to look at our calendar and see that we had ministry to do in Michigan.
The battle in my head began almost as if I had a sheet of paper in my brain that was divided right down the middle. Pros were on one side and cons were on the other. It was a tug of war between my wife heart, my momma heart and my ministry heart. The columns ended up even and I couldn’t decide what to do. So, I did what ever woman over forty would do. I cried and analyzed. I was sure (in my rational state) that was an indication my calling was over and I needed to get a job. Yes, a job would be better. Structure was missing. That had to be what was missing. Walking by faith was too sporadic. Maybe I was cut out for set hours and set paychecks. After all, I had been a full time working, single mom before and things seemed more structured back then. That must be it. I am not cut out for this!
I knew I had to make a decision and then the electricity began to flicker on and off. Quickly, I looked at Ridley and said, “just go without me”. I began to unpack with more effort than a pair of pants and shirt really required. I was mad that I had to choose. If God was going to provide the opportunity, shouldn’t He provide the answer?
Then came the email from one of our Board members. He faithfully encourages us every week with words of wisdom and details of how he and his wife are praying for us. This Monday was one that I didn’t really want to read, but I did it anyway so I could say that I did. Midway through his email this is what he said, “may your attitudes and your application be filtered through the cross this week”. I stopped almost embarrassed. Filtered through the cross. In that moment I pushed myself to filter. It wasn’t pretty. I had to face the fact that as I have been through one transition after another, I have been living to simply get through the transition. Being self employed for years had trained my brain to get it done and mark it off. Now that I am in ministry, there are no set guidelines and the “mark it off” isn’t as easy. I circled back around to “maybe I am not cut out for this”. In a quiet moment as I continued to filter, I surrendered to the obvious. I am not cut out for this and that is when Jesus does His best work. I remembered all the prayers I had been praying for my life to be less of me and to make Him more famous.
That same day a dear friend reminded me that I needed to enjoy the transitions and get the most out of them. I decided transitions represent moving. God is always moving, working through His plan, and teaching me. That should be a good thing! My disappointment for the day paled in comparison to what He has already blessed me with.
If you are feeling like you aren’t cut out for something, then you probably aren’t. However, if you are trusting Him with the plan for your life, He made you to fit that plan. In our weakest moments, we are in a good place. God can do His work with less hinderance. In those moments, we offer a beautiful stage for His glory.